When we begin dating after a divorce, there are some mistakes we make. It’s not uncommon to hear women especially say, there are no good guys out there, like, I’ve been single now for six months or a year, and I still can’t find anybody worthwhile to date.
You know, there are three mistakes that I see often that women make after they divorce when they start dating again. I’d like to go through those three mistakes because I think it will help you, and maybe cause you to stop and think, and then redo or reset what your goals are.
Mistake #1: Thinking all men are the same because of your ex
First of all, all men are not the same but when you purposely put in your profile, “no head games,” or “honest men apply only,” and things like that. The person answering that or looking at that already knows that you have an edge there that you’ve been head.
Or if you’re out and you’re enjoying part of the conversation, but all of a sudden, they say something and you overanalyze it or jump on them, they know that and it kind of causes them to step back. It scares people because it’s obvious that you haven’t dealt with what you need to deal with.
Mistake #2: A rebound relationship
It’s very common for everyone who has been through a divorce or breakup to get involved with someone on a rebound. That’s not wise after a divorce, and the reason is you’ll be doubly hurt. It sets in that mindset that every man cheats, or every man is irresponsible, or whatever happened in your first relationship.
It also sets a bad precedent for you because you start devaluing, maybe even disrespecting yourself, or no longer trusting yourself. Yourself is the first person you need to trust in a relationship going forward.
Before you jump into bed with somebody or into a relationship, ask yourself, are you happy alone? Do you just want a warm body for the night? Are you looking to feel better about yourself? Is there some other way to get this need met without involving another person?
I think many times we’re irrational and we hurt so badly, we jump into something too quickly with someone else, not thinking where it will go. Also many times, it sabotages our progress. Not only that, but someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart is going to just make it even worse, and harder to get over this, and then to move on.
Mistake #3: Unintentionally hanging on to old baggage
We all have baggage. People who have been married before have baggage and so do single people. What’s important is that you deal with or resolve the issues of your past relationship.
If you just went through a divorce, you really should not be dating again for at least a year. Even then, you shouldn’t jump into a relationship. The reason is that you’re not ready.
A divorce is a powerful, hurtful thing, it gets in you. When you marry someone, just taking that course of action does something to the way you think about yourself, sets a vision for the future, and dismantling that is very difficult. You can do it in the court system, but working through it and resolving it.
Most importantly, coming up with your part of why it broke up, no longer blaming the other person, but rather standing up and saying maybe if I had done this differently, it wouldn’t have turned out this way. Or maybe from the beginning, if I had respected myself and asserted myself more, you would have had a different ending.
When we own our part in any failure, whether it be a breakup, a divorce, or whatever we feel that we fail, then we give ourselves the power to make a change. So it doesn’t happen again, and that’s why it’s so important.
I hope this helps you going forward. It is difficult and it is painful, but that’s okay. Some of the biggest deals in life and some of the biggest processes you go through are like that. You end up learning from the pain.